Saturday, January 31, 2015

Crying Over a Fridge

So sleep is not my thing lately. I've tried unisom and reading and tea. But I just can't seem to shut my mind off. I think about all the things Jax won't get to do. Like ride a bike or skip or learn to tie his shoe. I wonder if he will know how much I deeply love him. Or if he knows how much his daddy wants to teach him how to play basketball. I get angry that all those things will be taken from him. But then I just think. All the best things that he can do on earth are nothing compared to the joy he will feel in heaven. He will get to jump and skip and ride a bike but he will get to do all these things with God holding his hand, or that's how I imagine it anyways. I lay here in my bed while everyone is sleeping and I wonder what life will look like in a year from now. Will I still have my sweet boy or will I be grieving him. I try not to let my mind go to these places but once they do God always puts a positive spin to even my darkest thought.  

And then I cried over a fridge and so thats new...

While shopping for appliances for our new house the other day the sales man was showing us a fridge. Now this was a fancy fridge with all these doors and even a place for kids stuff. As I'm pushing Jax in the stroller and smiling down at him I hear the sales man say, "and here is where you can put his school lunches or juices boxes". It took the power of the Holy Spirit to contain my emotions at the moment but the minute the three of us got in the car I looked at my husband and started to sob. Would I ever get to put Jaxons juice boxes into that fridge? Why did what he say make me so overwhelmingly upset? Because the reality of the situation is that I don't know what will trigger my sadness or cause me pain but I do know that Jesus is right there to wipe my tears. As much sorrow as I felt since all this has happened I have also felt this uncontrollable sense of joy for my son and everything he does. How lucky am I that MY son can change even one persons heart in the midst of this tragedy! My son will only ever know love, not just the love he has received but also the love he has given. 

This is a quote from a book I am reading right now called " I will Carry You" By Angie Smith and if you have ever lost a child or even if you haven't its a must read. It is heart breaking but at the same time God uses this amazing women's story as a testimony to so many other Mothers out there. I wish I could give this sister a huge hug because she has changed my view on so many things! 

"I have come to terms (as much as I can) with the fact that in this life, on this Earth, I am going to hunger. The hunger will not be satisfied. It cannot be. And when the wind blows through my soul and tempts me to despair over the lot I have been given, I cling to the truth that the Lord has something better for me. It won’t always be like this. You will know Him fully one day, and all the hurts that consume you in this moment will vanish and be forgotten. I know it sounds crazy. I guess it’s crazy to think that a God could love us so much that He would want to create a place to be with Him eternally, where we can revel in His perfection and rest in true peace." Angie smith 
Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I Choose Joy in Pain

Hello loves!
As most of you know my son Jax was diagnosed with a very rare genetic disease called Niemann-Pick. If you don't know what that is (please don't google, a lot of it is awful and worst case scenario) it is a genetic disease that causes Jax's lysosomes to not be able to break down all the things it needs to. So what happens is that all his organs will eventually swell and become to big for his body. Doctors can't really tell us how long we will have with him but honestly I wouldn't want to know. 
God has a plan for my son, I feel like I have said that SO much since we found out but its true. I know that my Jesus is the same Jesus that he was before we found out and he is the same now. I don't know why these things happen or why this happened to my baby but I don't want to worry about that. 
I have decided to choose joy and to only focus on the positive. I want to spend all my time taking pictures and writing things down and hugging and smothering him with kisses. I want to make memories. I want Jax to always remember how Mark and I made everyday the best possible day. The love I have for my son is something I can't explain. I never imagined in a million years I would be going through something so devastating. 
Honestly, some days my heart feels like it weighs so much, its so heavy. I don't want to sugar coat anything because I try to be honest on my blog. Some days I wake up and I forget whats happening and then I look over at Jax in his bassinet and  I remember and I just cry. I know eventually things will start to feel normal again. But at night when everyone else is asleep I look at my two boys and I thank God because I am so lucky to have this family with me every night. 
Some people ask me how I can be so positive and strong in this situation and honestly I don't know. All I can say is that God has his hands on me through this all. Since the moment we found out I knew I had two choices; I could wallow in self pity or I could live every day to the fullest and show my son that our God is greater than our circumstances. 

"Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. ... O great and powerful God, whose name is Lord Almighty, great are your purposes and mighty are your deeds." 
{Jeremiah 32:17-19}

I always told my husband that I don't want my children to be scared of death. Heaven is our reward not a consequence. But as a mom you can't help but think of the worst in situations like these but I am trying my best to be positive. I am going to have really ugly days + I won't always be positive and I know thats ok. I refuse to put my feelings or my relationships on the back burner. My son deserves me to be open and honest and that is my goal through all this. To really be honest with myself even when its messy + hard. 

Thank you to all of you who prayed for my son. Who texted and called and emailed. I could never explain to you what that means to my family and I. I have read and re-read every things you have written and when I need a little smile or happy cry I read them again. I truly wish I could hug all of you and have a cup of coffee with you and tell you how much you mean to us. 

Jax is such a love and is always smiling and happy. He really is an awesome baby and I am blessed. Even though he has this disease he doesn't have symptoms yet and they say that usually they won't show up until he is around 12 months, the only symptoms he has is the hydrocephalus {which is controlled by the shunt he has in} and the enlarged liver {which as far as we know at this point isn't hindering him or causing any pain}. Just so you guys aren't thinking he's in a lot of pain over here. He's cooing up a storm right now and chewing on his hands just looking at me while I type this. 

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.
xoxo tori. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Blanket Scarf

So I love this scarf because it doesn't have the usual red and green colors you see in other blanket scarves. This one is from Zara and I snagged it up at the beginning of fall + I have been in love with it ever since. I went a little crazy this winter buying scarves so I haven't had a chance to wear this before this so I jumped at the chance. Also I've been rocking the all black look lately and doing just a pop of color here and there. These booties are super cute + this sweater is one of my new obsessions.
xoxo tori

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Denim on Denim

This was a trend I was scared to try at first but I found that mixing different tones was the perfect way to ease myself into it. I did a dark denim for the bottoms and a lighter one on the top. Its really important that you try different ways to enhance your style without losing you. I added this vest from JCrew and statement necklace from windsor to add a little something something to the look!

Heres a little bit of Wednesday inspo--
You are beautiful + amazing just the way you are. Don't let other people influence you to change anything good about yourself. I'm all about improving on yourself but only if its to be better than who YOU were yesterday not who someone else is.
Love you ladies!
xoxo tori.

I am probably the biggest ham around, ESP when my hubby takes my pictures. He cracks me up!

SHIRT JCrew // JEANS Nordstrom // VEST JCrew // SHOES Sole Society // BRACELETS Francescas // NECKLACE Windsor Store //
Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Dress it up with some Leopard

This jacket was one of my favorites that I purchased from River Island last year and I couldn't wait to be able to fit back into it. It instantly dresses up any outfit and makes me feel so girly + fun! I added a pink lip and a chunky scarf to complete this look because I felt like it made it more wearable. Oh and ps, I am aware I am probably over wearing these pumps but I mean they just go with everything so I can't help it. I hope you ladies like this look + thanks for stopping by!
xoxo tori.

JACKET River Island // SHOES Nordstrom // JEANS Treasure & Bond // SHIRT Nordstrom // WALLET Louis Vuitton // RINGS Pandora & Pac Sun // SCARF Target // EARRINGS Etsy & Target // LIPS Nyx Tokyo // 
Monday, January 19, 2015

Just The Basics

This outfit is just the basics that you can wear whenever and where ever. I love these kind of outfits because whether you are a super cool stay at home mom or have a day off from the office everyone can pull off this look! 
I recently got a new camera and these are the first pictures that I took with it so bare with us until we get the hang of it. I can seriously tell you that this camera is unreal. Without even knowing how to really use it yet my hubby took some pretty good pictures!
 {proud wife moment}

JACKET Francescas // JEANS Old Navy // SHIRT Bella + Canvas // PUMPS Nordstrom // BAG Tory Burch //

As you probably saw if you follow me on IG
{if you don't please do I love new friends and interacting with you guys! link is in the side bar}
my son is now home from the hospital and is doing great. I am a little on edge on a daily basis because I am scared something might go wrong but I'm giving my anxiety to God and hoping it will all go back to normal soon.
Thanks for stopping by loves!
xoxo tori.
Monday, January 12, 2015

Longest + Scariest Weekend of my Life.

Good morning Beauties!

So if you all follow me on Instagram you know that my son Jaxon was admitted to the hospital early Saturday morning. He had been acting funny all day Friday, really lethargic + sleeping practically the whole day. Earlier on Friday morning we had gone to see Jaxons GI doctor at the hospital because he needed to receive an ultra sound to make sure his digestive track was working properly, since he wasn't gaining any weight or growing. 

While they did the ultra sound and an X-ray. both told the doctors that there was in fact nothing wrong with his digestive track but he did have an enlarged liver. What does that even mean? I was so confused and scared because your liver is a vital organ. 

They wanted to wait until Jax had his next appointment at the GI in two weeks to do any blood work to figure out about the liver. So we went home and the whole rest of the day like I said Jax just wasn't himself. He was super fussy and keep rubbing his head into my arm all day + would't let me put him down until he was asleep. 

Then at around 330 pm on Friday he started vomiting everything he was eating and for the rest of the night he couldn't even keep pedialyte down. I called his doctor at around 8 pm and they told me just to monitor him and if he got worse to call back. So we all fell asleep around 1130-12 in the morning and we had Jax right in between us in our bed just in case anything happened and about 1am Jax woke up out of a dead sleep vomiting again and when we went to go change him he didn't have a wet diaper. (I also had been feeling like something was wrong with him for a couple weeks now so if you feel that way moms USE YOUR MOMMY INSTINCTS!!! Don't ignore them.)

We then called his doctor back and she said to take him to the ER. We did and when we got there the doctor came in and immediately said we need to give him a catscan his head looks too big for a baby his size and the soft spot is hard and bulging. They explained to us the condition they thought he had which is called hydrocephalus {water on the brain}. 

I was so nervous but Jax handled all his tests like a champ. They explained that yes that is in deed what he had after they reviewed the tests. And a neurosurgeon came in to talk to us about the surgery they wanted us to have. 

I started sobbing immediately because I was partly relived that they found out what was wrong with him and partly because I was scared for my baby. No one wants to see anything bad happen to your child and surgery is like the LAST thing I would ever think. 

He still has to have another surgery and find out what is wrong with his liver but things are looking good. We caught it in time where the doctors are confident that there is no brain damage and he is doing great! Laughing and cooing to himself.  And smiling every time Mark and I talk to him.

I know we are so lucky we caught this in time and I am so happy we chose to bring him in that night/morning. He is the best thing in the world and I won't tell you how devastating this has all been because I bet you all can imagine. I don't let my mind go to the places I was because I know God is in control and as long as I have faith that he will guide the doctors to heal my son everything will be just fine. 

Thank you for everyone who has prayed + wished my son well. I can cry thinking about all of you who love my son and some of you have never even met him. It is so comforting to read all your comments and emails (and I do read every one)

As you guys can probably tell I will be taking a break from my blog on the fashion/outfit post stand point but I will come here to update you once we know more. Just continuing praying for my baby. He has his MRI today so please just pray that they can find out whats wrong with his liver and hopefully his fluid is draining properly. 

All my love!
xoxo tori. 

Friday, January 9, 2015


So as I sit here typing this my husband is feeding the baby in the next room and he's singing to him and telling him stories and I just silently call out to the Lord, "Thank you" I could weep thinking about all that I have been given. Life is a HARD thing and I am SO blessed to be married to the man I believe God created with my heart in mind. He is all the things I dreamed of but never believed I was "good" enough to get. 

Isn't that so sad? That I didn't believe or trust God enough to give me the best of everything. I assumed that I was too bad and not a good enough Christian to have the loving husband and beautiful baby. But boy oh boy did God shatter all the lies that I was telling myself. I am his child. I am good enough to have those things. The truth is everything I went through, every boy I dated, every friend ship lost or gained makes me who I am today. Without all the heart ache I wouldn't be able to truly appreciate all the amazing heart healing love I have been given. 

My heart was broken. Not by a boy or by anything that happened in my past but by EVERYTHING that happened in my past. I explain it like this, every bad thing that happened to me or sad time I had just slowly chipped away at my heart until it was so broken I didn't think it could be repaired. I was lost. When I think back to who I was it seems like a movie I watched or a tv show I tuned into every week, not my life. It doesn't seem like me. 

"God has heard all the reports on me. And in spite of how grave they are, in spite of my spiritual prematurity, He loves me. Because in the purest, truest sense of the word, God is a dad. And part of Him is in his children, and He loves us as we are." -- Jesus Prom

WOW! to me that is mind blowing. That even in my darkest night Jesus loves me. Even when looking in the mirror at myself made me sick, God only saw his beautiful daughter. I don't mean to sound dramatic but I know that some of you girls probably have felt this way before and I just want you to know that nothing you do is ever "bad" enough that God won't forgive you. That he won't hold out his arms for you to run back to him.

For me my ah ha moment happened when I met my husband. I was 19, working in a bar as a cocktail waitress. Drinking and making poor choices. I was insecure and unhappy on the inside but on the outside it probably looked like I was having the time of my life. I wasn't.

My husband came into the bar I was working at and he had this glow about him. Everyone around him was laughing at the story he was telling the first time I ever saw him and I really honestly thought to myself, "I need to meet him". Once we met we clicked instantly and the rest is history. He pulled me out of working at the bar and I truly believe he saved my life. He is my biggest encourager and supporter. Thats why I love him so much because he loves me unconditionally. Knowing all my flaws but loving me anyways. The love he showed me reminded me of the only other unconditional love I've ever had in my life before, Jesus.

Every girl should get to experience that kind of love. And you DO with your heavenly father. Never forget that no matter how low you are or whatever you've done or been through you have someone to love you always. I'm not saying you need a guy to turn you back to Jesus or that the reason I was able to turn my life around was because of a man.  
{Sorry if my story makes it seem like that, it was not my intention.}

I hope that I can help at least one girl with this story. That some of you can relate and that as God's girls we can stick together and encourage each other. Have a fantastic weekend beauties! 
xoxo tori.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Moving on up!

Hey Loves!
Ok so I'm not moving to the east side but I am moving to a different town in my state and a new house! I am beyond excited to move into my husband and I's dream home. Nothing is better than being able to start fresh with the love of your life in a beautiful new home that you will raise your children in. I can't wait to start decorating and packing up. It is such a good thing happening for us right now and I am so beyond happy. I just wanted to share this bit of news with my readers and don't worry I will be sharing all the decorating with you guys! I can't wait for this new adventure.

xo xo. tori 
Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Pretty in Pink

Happy Wednesday! 
This is a little bit more of a dressier look. If I could wear outfits like this everyday I would but I'm a mom and it would probably be covered in spit up about ten seconds after I was dressed. I would wear this for a date night or church. I hope you guys enjoy this post + thank you for stopping by! 
xo xo. tori 

 what i'm wearing:
SWEATER: asos // JEANS: asos // SHOES: Nordstrom // BAG: tory burch // NECKLACE: forever21 // LIPS: nyx //
Tuesday, January 6, 2015

All Bundled Up

So this look is one I wore over the weekend. It snowed a little bit where I live (New England) so I needed to bundle up to keep warm. This sweater is pretty much the warmest I've ever owned. I didn't even need a jacket this day and it was pretty cold. 
I hope you guys are having a wonderful week. 

I started to read this book "Jesus Prom" and oh my word, let me just say that I cried about three times and I'm not even on the fourth chapter yet {ps I am NOT a cryer} I just wanted to share this book with you because I love a good read and its pretty amazing. Here is one of the things he says in the book that really stuck with me. "When Jesus sees you. He sees all the people you could help if you could just get your eyes off of you. Instead of looking in a mirror, hold a mirror for others. Help people see beyond their pasts and toward their futures."  I love this because its so spot on to what I want to do this year with my blog! Its so important to me to make sure the people who follow my blog understand its not just about the superficial. Its about coming together to help each other feel good about ourselves + hopefully being nice will become the latest trend
I want to make women of all ages feel like they have a place to go to get advice and talk to their friend {me} about life, fashion + everything in between!
Happy Tuesday loves!
xo xo. tori

what i'm wearing:
HAT: urban outfitters // CARDI: urban outfitters // SWEATER: urban outfitters // JEANS: treasure&bond // BOOTS: uggs // SCARF: target // LIPS: revlon //

Monday, January 5, 2015

7 warm weather winter vacations by Fierce Simplicity

7 Warm Weather Winter Vacations to Escape the Cold

Fierce Simplicity offers some wanderlust traveling ideas to help escape the cold this winter. If finding yourself in the middle of a tropical rain forest or sun bathing in a cheeky Brazilian bikini on white sand beaches sounds more appealing then scraping ice off your car, then it’s definitely time to start planning a warm-weather getaway. 

        1. Costa Rica: Go Hiking in a Rain Forest 
Costa Rica is perfect if you are into vibrant rainforests; diverse wildlife; white-sand beaches with crystal clear water; and a super relaxing local culture. The Costa Rican beach resorts are phenomenal, but adventure-seeking travelers should stay in lodges within the wilderness of the rain forest, where room service, internet access and electricity are practically non existent. (We’re pretty sure you won’t be focusing on checking your emails while your relaxing on your balcony with a fresh smoothie pointing out sloths, toucans, and squirrel monkeys).  You know what also makes traveling to Costa Rica during the wintertime perfect? The winter months are Costa Rica’s  dry season making it the perfect time of year to find stunning weather (and crystal-clear diving conditions). 

2. Blue Mountains, Australia: Go Mountain Climbing! 
When winter comes to the Northern Hemisphere, things are just heating up Down Under. And one thing we know for sure is Australia is HOT!! (In a good way). If you are active and trly enjoy nature make sure you make the Blue Mountain region a stop on your vacation. Home to densely forested peaks, lush gardens, breathtaking views, and dozens of hiking trails you will be in for a pleasant day. The most famous attraction is the Three Sisters, a spectacular sandstone rock formation. If you're not up for hiking, hop on the Katoomba Scenic Railway (one of the world's steepest) or ride in the Scenic Skyway, a cable car that has a glass floor for dizzying panoramic views.

3. Cambodia: Explore Ancient Temples
The best time to visit Cambodia is during the dry winter season as Cambodian summers are super hot, rainy, and humid. (Being based in Miami we certainly understand humidity. Multiply Miami’s humid days by 1000). Tourists migrate to the Angkor area to discover hundreds of ruined temples, dating back to the Khmer empire of the 9th through 13th centuries. The crown jewel is the five towered Angkor Wat, the world’s largest religious building. To full appreciate the rich details of the temple’s bas-relief scenes and carvings, we suggest hiring a knowledgeable local guide. 

4. Bonaire, Southern Caribbean: Go Diving or Snorkeling
This tiny island in the Southern Caribbean is one of the world’s best diving destinations. The western side of the island is rimmed by colorful reefs swarming with parrot fish, sea turtles, butterfly fish, eagle rays and hundreds of other marine life. More than 50 of Bonaire’s 86 official dive sites can be accessed from the shore. Bonaire enjoys sunny weather year round and is located south of the Caribbean’s hurricane belt so you can expect great weather. 

5. Buenos Aires, Argentina: Learn How to Tango
Strap on your dancing shoes to experience the most authentic way to learn to dance the tango in Buenos Aires. Wintertime in the northern hemisphere is the height of the sultry summer season in Buenos Aires. 

6. San Diego, California: Go Museum Hopping 
Sunny San Diego is well known for its year-round temperate climate (highs are typically in the 60's during the winter months), and its dozens of world-class museums are likewise an all-season attraction. You'll find 15 of them at Balboa Park, with collections devoted to anthropology, sports, photography, historic automobiles, art from around the world and much more. You could easily spend a week exploring these museums alone, but don't forget to allow time to wander the city's historic Gaslamp Quarter and -- of course -- walk along the beach.

7. Cape Town, South Africa: Hit the Beaches 
Cape Town is a must-visit African destination -- especially during its summer season (winter in the Northern Hemisphere), which is prime time for tanning on the city's many clean, white sand beaches. One favorite is Bloubergstrand, where you can enjoy stunning views of Table Mountain, South Africa’s most famous natural landmark. Another strip of sand you won't want to miss: Boulders Beach, where you can rub shoulders with a colony of African penguins.

Instagram: @fiercesimplicity

I hope you guys enjoy this guest post on my blog & thanks for reading!
ps. check out their swimsuits I know I will picking one up for this summer. 
xoxo. tori