Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Who God intends us to be.

As a mom it is so easy to play the compare game. Whether you are comparing yourself to another mom or comparing what they have to what you have or even comparing what their kids are like to what your kids do, we all compare. As a mom to a medical fragile child this game is intensified more than I ever thought it would be. 

I spent so much time when Jaxon first got diagnosed comparing what other kids got to do that Jax didn't. I spent WAY to much time worrying about the life that Jax was being robbed of. I was constantly worrying about the places he wouldn't get to go, the things he wouldn't be able to learn or the friends he would never make. 

One day, I heard God whisper into my heart that He made Jaxon exactly who He intended him to be. He created him fully knowing every memory we would make with him and every persons life He would use Jax to touch. God didnt create Jax to ride a bike or to go to school or to be a singer, athlete or preacher. God intentionally created my son to be a Kingdom builder, a heart healer and a real earth angel. Some one who teaches daily without speaking a word. Some one who heals wounds you never even knew were there. Someone who looks into your eyes and challenges you to see yourself as he sees you, perfect and beautiful just as you are. 

I am embarrassed to admit that before this thought was put on my heart by God I wasted too much time worrying about this version of my child I thought Jaxon was supposed to be but in all honesty who Jax is, is better than I could have ever dreamed of. I made a conscious choice from that day forward to not spend my time grieving the life that Jax wouldn't get to live and instead celebrate the life he is living now. 

We have choices to make every day. Whether we compare ourselves to another mom, to our own mother or to a complete stranger or maybe your closest friend, we all choose to compare. But I challenge you to make the choice to celebrate the life YOU live, the children YOU have and the hurt YOU are in the midst of, as painful as it may be.

God has created you to be exactly who you are supposed to be. As much as you may covet other peoples things or their life, everything that is meant for you will happen in the perfect timing. Trust that who you are is such a beautiful picture of the love our Father has for us and wake up everyday cherishing this life He has given you. None of us are perfect and we are ALL a work in progress. As long as you try everyday to be better than you were yesterday you are becoming exactly who you are supposed to be and who God intends for you to be. I want to truly grab hold of the best life God has for me + not spend wasted time worrying about things that God has not called for my life or for my sons life.

Thanks for stopping by!
xoxo, Tori. 
Friday, June 10, 2016


Hey friends!
I know a lot of you have probably been wondering where we are with the whole IVF journey. I love how open and honest you all were with me. I was shocked at how many of you are going through similar situations to us and also infertility problems. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I hope you all know I will pray for you all by name and also as a whole for those of you who I don't  know. So thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for letting me share our journey with you!

Diving right in.... 
So in April we went in for our first frozen transfer. We transferred one embryo. I took Estrogen for almost two weeks and then went in for an ultra sound to determine the thickness of my uterus. The lining wasn't quite thick enough so they upped my doses and then I went in again a couple days later for another ultrasound. Then they determined I was all ready and I could start my progesterone shots. Let me tell you, NOT fun. They are huge needles with thick oil like medication so its painful but I just tell myself its going to be worth it. I was on the progesterone shots for like six days and then I went in for the transfer. They unthawed the first embryo and it unfortunately didn't make it so they unthawed a second one and then used that one for the transfer. 

The whole 10 days I had to wait for the BETA test (pregnancy test) I was so anxious. I was constantly worried and so overwhelmed. I have diabetes + I am a stress eater so those two don't really mix well. I had high sugars all week and couldn't seem to get them under control. I wasn't trusting God and giving him my fears. I was just internalizing everything. My mind wasn't shutting off and I was barely sleeping at night. I had no sense of peace the whole 10 days. I guess it just wasn't meant to be because unfortunately the embryo didn't attach and at the 10 day mark we were not pregnant. That phone call was so awful for me. As soon as I hung up with the nurse I just started crying. All Mark and I want right now is to expand our family without worry. We want more than anything to give Jaxon a brother or a sister. Its so hard when your heart is aching and it seems like the ache will never go away. 

My husband is amazing. Mark is a breath of fresh air for me. I was drowning and as soon as I heard his voice on the other end of the phone I was able to come up for air. He is not just my husband, he is my best friend. He is the person I run to with good news and bad. He is the person who knows my heart and my mind more than anyone else. He has seen me at my worst and still thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the world. I am so lucky that God gave him to me forever. Every thing we go through makes us that much stronger and I am so grateful for that. 

I had to learn after that negative pregnancy test God wanted me to come to him. With all the whys, the what ifs and the anger I had inside me. He wanted me to fall into His arms and to bare my heart aches to Him. I did just that. I know that the timing will be right for us eventually. I know this yearning we have to grow our family will be fulfilled one day. I know the promises God has made me but I have to patient. Its not in my timing, its in His. His perfect timing. I know it may seem so hard to see the silver lining in your cloud but I promise that silver lining is just up ahead. I don't know if it will be this year, next year or maybe in 5 years. We will keep trying and we will keep praying for our family. It makes you feel so defeated when they tell you all the money you spent, all the time and all the pain didn't work. But to me its going to make everything that much more worth it. I know that one day when we get the phone call telling us we are pregnant I definitely will still worry, I will definitely still be anxious until I am holding that baby earth side, until they tell me that my baby is healthy and there is no niemann pick in sight. Its almost like PTSD when you have a miscarriage, a child diagnosed with a terminal disease or fertility problems. You will never stop the worry but I will go to my Heavenly Father with open hands asking him to let me pour it all on to Him and he will gladly take it. He will take yours to. So pour away my friends, His cup will never run over for you.

And now we wait. We will try again before this year is over and hopefully we will have a different outcome. I thank you all again for letting me share our story. If you want to chat, have questions or just want to make a new friend feel free to email me ! I look forward to hearing for you :) 

xoxo, tori. 
Thursday, June 9, 2016


I remember being in the room. Jax being hooked up to monitors and I remember the faint beeping of the machines and how cold I felt. We had just been admitted to the childrens hospital and the room was dark. I was laying next to Jax in his hospital bed staring at his back and truly letting everything sink in that had just happened the last 2+ hours. I always say, I'm the person you want with you in a crisis but I'm not the person you want to be around a couple hours after the crisis has taken place. This couldn't be more true in that moment. 

That morning we went to a well check up for Jax + mins later our pediatrician was telling us to go straight to the ER. Jaxon's "cold" had quickly turned into RSV ( Respiratory syncytial virus ) and he needed to be put on oxygen immediately. The min we got there they rushed us into the triage room and like a gust of wind things happened fast. SO many people were rushing in and out of the room, touching my son, asking Mark and I questions upon questions and the whole time I didn't flinch. I answered all the questions, I held Jax's hand, rubbed his back and gave him kisses on kisses. Then a doctor looked right into my eyes and asked me what our plan was if Jax needed to be resuscitated. I felt like this doctor just punched me in the face and then asked me what I wanted in my coffee. I stopped everything, looked right at Mark and as if someone flipped a light switch we both began to sob. 

I never in a million years imagined being asked what we would want to do if his heart stopped beating, if his life was in danger, what did we want. Did we want a doctor preforming CPR and pounding on his chest or did we want to hold him and watch his life leave him. Did we want to have him intubated or did we want to just let this virus take its course and hope for the best. All these questions were ones I never want anyone to ask you. I never wanted to be asked them either. Its one thing to know that your child has an incurable disease but at least then you have hope. Hope for a miracle, a cure and for it to all be wrong. But its an entirely different thing when someone tells you this reality might actually happen and not in a couple months or years but RIGHT now. It all seemed so sudden, my heart was not prepared. My mind, maybe, but my heart, no. 

 Hours later, his stats were improving and once we were admitted to the ICU things we looking stable and thats when my defense was let down, alone in that room with my son laying there, his breathing labored, I fell apart. I held my sons body and wept. It was a moment I dread, being weak, vulnerable and completely aware of everything I was feeling. I didn't care who walked in or saw me or judged me. I needed to feel every ounce of what this perfect boys life means to me and to think that I might not get another day broke me. Broke me in a way I will never forget. I will always remember the way my tears stained Jaxons blanket he had draped over him and the way he squeezed my finger as if to assure me everything was going to be ok. And it was. A week later he was on the mend even though doctors told us that most likely wouldn't be the case. That it would get worse and cause havoc on his already fragile and tired body. Some days I wonder where God is. Where his goodness lies and why sometimes its not with my family, more importantly my son. On that cold night in February while lying next to my very ill son in his hospital bed I looked out into the darkness and asked God where He was. If he loved me and my son how could this be happening. Im scared some times to be honest and real with my feelings because its so much easier to smile. Getting REAL really hurts. Getting real isn't easy, it isn't fun and you definitely don't get real without getting broken first. 

I can tell you right now, I have NO idea where this perfect plan is that God has for my family and I. I'm not God. But I know its true. I know HE IS GOOD. He is there, always. Things in this life are hard, heart breaking and all around unfair but its not because of God. He wants the best for my family and I. I choose to believe that no matter what season I am in or what fire comes to us that we have a God that can do anything. He healed my son from a virus that was supposed to take him from us because medicine says his body wouldn't be strong enough to fight it off. God constantly uses Jaxon's life to remind me of his goodness. To remind me to be real and vulnerable. To remind me that even when it hurts, its more than worth it. The goodness of God isn't measured by how broken my heart is but by how his light shines through those broken places + fills them, even on the coldest of nights.

xoxo, tori.