Saturday, November 12, 2016

One Miracle above me and One miracle inside me.

MAY 2017.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be typing these words, never mind sharing this news with you all but Jaxon is going to be a big brother! It is such a crazy blessing I can't even begin to explain it. Keeping this a secret for the past two months has been so hard but we wanted to make sure that the baby was healthy before we told everyone. And yes I said it, THE BABY IS NIEMANN PICK FREE! I wish I could shout it from the rooftops because it was so nerve wrecking not knowing if this little nugget was healthy or not. 

You might be wondering how we know this but we had a test when I was 10 weeks called a CVS done to determine wether the baby had NPD or not. The test was painful and not fun at all but it was worth it for the peace of mind. We also were able to find out about any chromosomal abnormalities (everything was normal) and the gender. This baby has been prayed for so fiercely by my husband and I, we couldn't be feeling more blessed.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I felt an overwhelming sense of peace which I can only describe as the Holy Spirit gently nudging me in knowing that He had this under control. It seems like waiting has been the story of my life but honestly it has taught me such patience. After two failed IVF transfers and Jaxons passing we have dealt with our fair share of heart break this year. We have been through so much and losing Jaxon was and is the hardest thing that I will ever go through. I miss him so much everyday and even with this amazing news that doesn't stop & never will. 

We found out we were pregnant on September 14, which is Jaxons birthday. If thats not a sign sent straight from our little angel, I don't know what is. I was dreading that day with every fiber of my being but in the midst of all the sadness/joy of that day I found out that our second little miracle baby was on its way. I was shocked and I remember sobbing and praying to God that this baby would heal some of the broken places in our lives. That this baby would be healthy and God answered our prayers. That day we sent three balloons up to heaven for Jax, two with words of love written from Mark and I and one that said "Jax, you're going to be a big brother in May!" 

As I let those balloons go up to the sky I knew in my heart that Jax already knows this baby. That he helped God handpick this little soul for our family and that he is spending all these nine months kissing and loving on this baby until we meet him/her earth side.

And when I say that Gods timing is perfect I don't simply mean that like the writing on a hallmark card to make you feel good, I say that with tears streaming down my face because it is the truth. He knows each breath we will take and he knew long ago that all the tears I wept over expanding our family would one day be wiped away and he would create this beautiful blessing. He would do it on His time, His way. At the beginning of the year we went through IVF to expand our family and was sure that was how we would have another baby but we conceived this baby completely naturally. I tell you this because its such an important part to the story and clearly shows how God will do things in His own time.

I don't understand why we had to lose our son. It will never make sense but thinking about never knowing Jax hurts me almost as much as losing him. I would have him in my life 1000x over even if it meant I had to say goodbye. Thats how deep my love goes for him, it stretches all the way to heaven and back. I believe deep in my heart that the day Jax went to heaven he picked out the perfect little soul for us and that he desperately wants us to be happy. 

I will raise this baby talking to him/her about Jax all the time. I want them to know how their big brother is always watching out for them and that he is always around even if you can't see him. I know that their sibling relationship will be different then most but I want this baby to know all about their amazing brother and how he changed our lives forever. 

I am so grateful for this blessing and also the blessing of my first baby. Jax made me a mommy and for that and SO many other reasons, him and I will forever be connected in the most special way. He has helped me have a different outlook on everything in my life and I am so lucky to be his mom forever! I can't wait to see how this next baby will change us as well and how they will shine a bright light into our family.

I hope that if you're going through something similar like we have/are going through you understand that I know your hurt. Our pain might be different, brokenness isn't the same as the person next to us but I can promise you this, you will be happy again one day. It will be accompanied by deep sadness and heart ache and it won't be easy but I promise your angel will give you reasons to smile. And though it will never ease the hurt of not having them and let me be perfectly clear when I say that no other baby can or will ever replace Jaxon, ever.

And if you are struggling to get pregnant please know that I know how much it hurts your heart when you see another pregnancy announcement because Ive been there. You are happy for that person but inside you're wondering where your baby is. There is nothing wrong with these feelings and they are completely natural. But try your best and fully honor the person because when its your turn you would want the same from them. I promise you, your baby is coming. I don't know if its 1 year, 1 month or 1 day from now or maybe 5 years from now but it will happen. Don't try to rush Gods timing. Its perfect and when you look back in the rear view mirror all your hurt from infertility and failed procedures will all make sense to you. Its hard to see it clearly now but one day you will and until then pray, pray hard and harder even when it seems pointless I promise you its not. Don't give up. 

xoxo, t.

^We bought this shirt for Jax after we found out we were pregnant from IVF in June but it ended up being a chemical pregnancy which made the pregnancy test read a false positive. But without that heart break we wouldn't have this amazing picture. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Cozy Fall Thermal

Hiiii Friends!

I just wanted to quickly share my feelings for a min here. I love that my blog can be a post with pictures about fashion but the context can be about something totally different. I don't think my blog should have to fit into a mold that other blogs do and that makes me happy, I hope it makes you want to visit often as well!

I think a lot of my life right now is about taking care of me. Which is super strange because after taking care of my medically fragile son for two years and it being 99% about him, its hard to make the switch into caring for yourself again. Ive been trying to find a balance of pushing myself to fully live life and giving myself a ton of grace with doing nothing at all. I feel weird to tell you the truth. I feel as though I haven't quite found my "thing" yet. The thing I am most passionate about doing day to day. For so long that was being a mother and still is but is hard to do without a child to care for. 

To be honest, it makes you feel purposeless. You go from being someones everything to one day and very abruptly that little person not needing you at all anymore. For me its different then a mom who sends their child to daycare for the first time or off to college, my baby will never again be held or need anything from me again on this earth. Its a soul crushing realization to come to but the smallest more mature part of me realizes that with not caring for Jaxon anymore here on earth also means that he is healed, he is happy and he is at peace in heaven. 

From the moment your child is placed in your arms you make every choice to make them happy and to care for them so I know it is beyond natural for me to feel as though life without Jax here on earth doesn't make sense because for me it doesn't. It probably never will. I will forever search for answers to why my son? But I also know one day, I will know the answer and I will get to hold my son again. I will get to live all my days in full happiness with God and thats something that makes being here on earth without Jax seem a little less painful.

Grief is the strangest feeling. Especially grieving for a child. Its a mixture of gut wrenching pain and physical/mental exhaustion. My days stem from clinging to any bit of him. Whether its a song on the radio, the smell of his clothes or casually and desperately bringing him up in every conversation just to hear his name aloud. Its a feeling that I can never really explain and a way of life I hope no one ever has to walk along side me in. It makes the most mundane tasks feel impossible and the shortest distance seem so far away. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to have to close my eyes while grasping my sons pillow and placing it under my nose just to be able to smell him again because that is the only way I can physically feel close to him. 

Jaxon was the greatest friend I ever had, his soul was one that left lasting imprints around our home and always will. I can't walk into a room without feeling his presence. I will spend my days speaking of him and telling people about him because its the best way I know to share his love. Parents in grieving have an invisible cloak that they wear. Its a cloak made of the strongest of loves, the sweetest of smells and the most agonizing pain imaginable. It is one that is not seen to people who have not lost their child but is so obvious to all of us who have. I wear my cloak with pride because its one that shares of my story, my pain and more importantly represents the amazing life of my son. And even though I know most days its the heaviest garment to wear I know that because I wear it his life will continue to be one of great significance to not just me but others as well. 

"Know that where there is great pain, there is even greater love."
-scribbles + crumbs

xoxo, t. 

What I'm wearing:
THERMAL: Free People // UNDER SHIRT: Gunny Sack & Co. // JEANS: Paige Denim via Nordstrom Rack // BOOTIES: Target // BAG: Valentino // NECKLACE: Anthropologie & Tiffany + Co. // NAIL POLISH: OPI Miami Beet //