Friday, June 9, 2017


9 LBS + 8 OZ.
MAY 5TH, 2017

On May 4 I went into my weekly OB appointment at 37 weeks pregnant and was prepared to ask my doctor if I could have her the following week. My c-section was scheduled for May 17 but my body was so sore and swollen I just didn't feel right or comfortable so I figured why not ask, the worst he could say is no. But before I could even ask he said my blood pressure was a little on the high side and so he recommended delivering the baby the next day!

I was so shocked but so happy. I remember it feeling so surreal driving to the hospital the following afternoon. I was super nervous but I remember just having such a peace that everything would be ok. I know that was from God and all the prayers I prayed for this baby. Also, the ultrasound we took the day before indicated that she was more than big enough to be born early.

That afternoon we went to the hospital and checked in. We prepared ourselves for what was to come. They put me in the waiting area and told me to put on a gown and wait for the doctor to come by and talk to me about all that would happen once I was in the operating room. He came in and gave me the run down then I got my IV and just had to wait for the OR to be available.

At around 7pm we were ready to rock and roll and it was the best feeling knowing that I would be holding one of my babies in my arms soon! they took me into the OR and then Mark had to wait outside until just before they were about to cut. I was so nervous to get a spinal tap but if you're going to get a c-section and are nervous about that, DONT BE! It was absolutely painless, just felt a little prick, almost like when they take your blood.

Then they laid me down and started preparing for the surgery while I started to get numb. Within a couple mins I couldn't feel anything below my belly button. They got Mark and he sat by my head and then the doctor asked if I could feel anything and of course I couldn't. Then at 7:08pm my OB told Mark, "Come take a look dad, she's coming out" and Mark peaked over the curtain and I heard the most beautiful cry.

I Immediately started sobbing and saw how beautiful she was (even covered in all that gunk). I had waited so long to see her face and I was shocked at how much she looked like Jax. She was a lot chubbier then him but she resembled him so much in that moment I started crying even more. I know Jax made sure I knew he was present in that moment with us and from my amazing OB, to the kind nurses from start to finish, I felt him in every way.

I was so happy and filled with so much emotion in that moment. They had to take her over to the little warmer but I got to see her the whole time. She was struggling a little bit because she had a lot of fluid which is common for c-section babies. usually when a baby is being born each contraction and push the mom does helps squeeze out the amniotic fluid from their lungs but when they are born via cesarean that doesn't happen.

I knew when the nurse came over to me she was going to tell me they had to take her to the NICU and I was so scared for that because of everything we went through with Jax but I knew she was in the best hands possible and Mark was going to go with her.

I got to hold her and give her kisses before they took her down to the NICU and me to recovery (pics above). I had to wait 3 hours in recovery but I facetimed with Mark and the baby the whole time and I am so thankful for modern technology! haha.

I can't lie though when they put her on oxygen (mostly just to help her not that she really needed much at all) I had a little freak out moment/panic attack. I have PTSD from everything traumatic we went through with Jaxon and its really hard to separate the emotions when your next child has oxygen in their nose. I knew she would be fine but I was just so emotional about it. I remember I couldn't really breathe good until they took me to her after I was done in the recovery and laid her on my chest. As soon as I saw how good she was doing and how nice her nurses were I finally let out a sigh of relief and started crying all over again.

She ended up being able to come to our room within two days and was doing so awesome. Now we are home and she's already a month old! I don't even know how that happened! She's such good baby and sleeps so well but loves to be held during the day. She's chunking up rather nicely and is already over 10 lbs.

I am so grateful for her health and happiness and I thank God daily for her. Jaxon picked out the best little sister for us but we miss him so much. It doesn't erase all we went through and will never replace him or fill the HUGE hole we have in our hearts without him but she is such a sweet addition to our family.

Being a mom of two looks so entirely different then I ever imagined. I wish I had both my children in my arms but to know that some day I will makes me so happy. Although the sorrow mixed in with my joy right now is so bittersweet. I wake up everyday to this beautiful little girl but can't help but feel so sad sometimes for all the things we miss without Jax here. She will never get the physical presence of a big brother and some days that just rips my heart out and brings me to tears. But knowing that her life is a direct reflection of his in so many ways brings joy to our hearts and leaves the biggest smile on our faces.

I can't wait to see all that she is and will become.
We love you so much Landree, you are our rainbow after the hardest storm of our lives but your beautiful life has given us so much to look forward to. I hope you always know how much you are loved, not just by God, your daddy and I but by your big brother, who will always protect you + watch over you.