Hi friends!
This past weekend was one of the best Ive had in a while. I thought the week/weekend following Jaxons angelversary I would be a complete mess but thankfully I was in a pretty good mood and although I had a couple days where the sadness encompasses me the weekend was a nice reset button for my emotions.
Grief is the pits. Whether you are grieving over the loss of your child, a pregnancy or something in your life you were hopeful for, it's the pits. One day you think you're doing ok & then BAM! you're sobbing in your closet looking for a bag but you find one of your sons socks inside it. These moments bring me to my knees and knock the breath out of my lungs. If you've lost a child you understand exactly what I'm talking about.
Its crazy to me that I can be so over the moon happy and so completely broken in the same moment. I love finding little treasures that Jaxon leaves me. I truly believe it is not a conscience when I find a sock or one of his hospital bracelets or I see a butterfly or a fox or many of the other signs he sends me. Whenever I'm having a really hard day or I can't seem to shake the funky mood there is something that reminds me of Jax randomly in the midst of my day. Some times I will be in deep prayer and just glance up at the sky and the sun will warm my cheeks in that moment & I take it as a sign that Jax is telling me, "mama, I'm ok, I love you. You're doing a great job. I'm so proud of you"
It seems silly if you've never experienced an earth altering loss like I have but unfortunately its my reality and to me it means everything. Like while we were at the sunflower fields this weekend. I love sunflowers and whenever I see them I see Jaxons spirit. Its so strange but I feel like his soul was just such a bright and beautiful one that you couldn't help but smile whenever you saw him. Thats how I feel when I look at sunflowers. While walking through the fields I was just beaming because it was truly breathtakingly beautiful, the sun was warm but there was the most refreshing breeze. Landree was smiling & butterflies were all around her. Almost clinging to her, a little hello from her big brother.
I think happiness is truly dependent upon our perspective. And my biggest life lesson from loosing Jax was to embrace life and to look for the positive no matter what. Not every day is happy for me or picture perfect like Sunday was, but I can choose to look back on these "picture perfect" moments with hope and joy in my heart knowing that I have so much love in my life even amongst the pain. Through it all God holds, no truer words have I ever typed. And just like a sunflower I will try everyday to keep my face towards the sunshine & let the shadows fall behind me.
xoxo, t.
Landrees Onesie: Old Navy, Shoes: Freshly Picked, Headband: A Little Lady Shop
My Outfit; Shirt: Anthropologie, Jeans: Express, Shoes: Tory Burch, Kimono: Free People (old), Hat: Abercrombie & Fitch (old).
Sunflower Farm: Buttonwoods Farm, CT.
