Happy Friday!
I hope you all had a great week + are looking forward to the weekend as much as I am :) This is the first week in a long time that I wasn't constantly thinking about Jaxons sickness. I have given a lot of the situation to God, I try to give him ALL of it but its hard as you can imagine. I really choose to be positive most days but some I am sad and cry and thats ok. I think Ive learned over the past couple months how healthy it is to cry, its therapeutic. I never liked it and I never wanted people to see me as "weak" but to be honest the more I cry the more strength I find. Its at my darkest times in life that I have found who I am. I wanted to quickly talk to you guys about how Ive been sorting through my feelings and where I am at right now in my life.
Bottom line I feel blessed that I was chosen to be Jaxon's mom. I know that I take the best care of him possible. That he could have so easily been some else's. That him and I have a bond that is indescribable. I think about so much day to day. certain things trigger my sadness. sometimes I feel guilty for not thinking about our future as much and only really living in the moment. I feel like the sun is shining but it's pouring rain all at the same time. People will tell me how they don't even know how I deal with everyday but it takes the same amount of energy to be happy that it does to be sad. I choose happiness. I choose giving my son a good mixture of love and stability but also talking to him about what is happening. I used to never talk to him about his disease. some how I thought if I walked on egg shells around him it would make things easier for him but I know it doesn't work that way. he's a baby yes, but I want him to know what's going on. I don't talk to him about the future in a negative way because honestly it scares the crap out of me to think about what might happen so I share my dreams with him. The same dreams for him now that I did when I was pregnant with him + the same when I was holding him for he first time. I make him promises and I tell him things I will do for him. these things aren't false and I believe with all my heart my son will be able to thrive and grow and make memories with our family. I will never stop braving this storm and I will never give up. I will never accept that his disease will take him from me and I'm not naive or in denial. I am simply choosing to believe God will heal Jax. I don't for one second doubt that my son will one day be free of this disease and it's by the power of God to determine how and when that happens. so everyday i wake up and pray and face this day with the attitude that I am so blessed that I was able to wake up and see him smiling. this whole process has forced me to look at life through different eyes. I am so grateful for that. I don't take one cry, laugh or kiss for granted. it has made me love deeper, cry harder and make better choices. for the first time in my life I love who I have become and all because God entrusted me with one of his most precious gifts. lucky doesn't even begin to cover how I feel.
xoxo, tori.
what i'm wearing:
top + skirt -- roolee boutique // necklace -- francesca's // shoes -- tory burch //
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