Wednesday, February 25, 2015

My Calling.

As I'm thinking about writing this my stomach hurts. As I'm thinking about how to type these words my eyes are filling with tears. As I'm writing this I will most likely not be able to make it through without crying. So readers this is a warning. If you aren't in the mood for a good cry or just applied your mascara, turn back now this isn't the post for you.

With that being said I have been pondering a lot about mother hood. About being a mom. About what my life looks like verse what it looked like a year ago or two years ago. When it was all about myself. When I had NO clue what I wanted to do with my life or what I was good at. Then I got pregnant with Jax and I was scared. Oh my word, was I scared. Not knowing how to raise a child {never done it before} I was terrified. Then I had him. My birth was totally not what I expected and when they finally placed him in my arms all my fears disappeared. 

Its incredibly weird because to me I assumed as soon as they gave him to me thats when I would really be scared. But I wasn't. I had peace in knowing, I can do this. I will mess up and do the wrong thing a lot probably, but I can most definitely do this mom thing. 

When we brought him home I finally realized what I was good at. What I was meant to do with my life. I was meant to be a mom. For some people this is absurd because I mean you need to have other hobbies, passions and a job, right? But to me this is my hobby, my passion and my job. Being a mom is what deep down to my toes I believe I was made for. 

But now, with Jaxon's diagnosis I ask myself what will I do when he isn't here? I have made him my entire lifes purpose and now he is going to be taken from me. Not when he is 18 going away to college, not when he is getting married to his wife and not when he has kids of his own but far far too soon before that. I pray a lot for God to give me a purpose. That when Jax is no longer in the physical world that I will have something to focus on that will not leave me crumpled up like a paper doll on the floor. 

I hear this faint voice inside me saying, "I am your purpose my sweet girl." And I know he is right. Jesus is my purpose. To live for him is my purpose. To bring people to his Kingdom is my purpose. To tell people about my God is my purpose. To write this blog is my purpose. But some days I will forget this. I am no perfect. I will forget. I'm writing this so that I can look back and not forget. God is our purpose. He has plans for me and for you, far beyond anything that we could ever dream. 

My purpose for living isn't changing because my son is sick and it won't change when he is healed either. I am 100% sure I was made to be a mom. I will be a mom to other babies in the future. But right now in this moment I know I was made to be Jax's mom. I thank God everyday not only for giving me my son but for trusting me to raise a child of God for the short time Jaxon will have. Thank you God for letting me be Jax's mom. Having him changed me forever. Jaxon made me a mom, forever. 

Whats New Wednesday?

Hello Friends!
I am going to start posting a new post on Wednesdays called "Whats New Wednesday?"
Whether it be my favorite products I started using or what is going on in our family.

This Wednesday is just a "Hot Dog" kind of post to play catch up with you all! {Don't know if any of you got that joke but my math teacher used to always have hot dog days to catch up on all our work and I used to LOL every time he said it. I have stupid humor, I apologize!} 
But a lot has been going on over here and I just wanted to let you guys know. 

So all the testing came back for Jaxon and for my husband and I. 
Jax most definitely has Niemann-Pick Type A.
And my husband and I most definitely have the gene that gave it to him. 

Its kind of a bitter sweet thing for my husband and I because now at least we know so in the future when we decide to have another baby {or 3} we have options to consider and can guarantee that our future children do not have this horrible disease! But at the same time it stinks, a lot. Knowing that there is no chance that the doctors made a mistake the first time crushes us.

Everyday I learn something new. 
Something new about myself.
Something new about my husband.
And Jax always does something new everyday! 

Its been hard. There have been days where I cry on the bathroom floor or at dinner with my husband {lets not even discuss that, how embarassing} But there are other days that are SO good and SO full of joy they out weigh all the bad. 

Thats how God has been able to show me to keep trusting him in all this brokenness. That even when I could be crying I take one look at my son smiling up at me and wipe away the tears. I know that is the Holy Spirit. When the sun shines through my window and hits my cheek I take that as God's hand waking me up and saying, "You got this my girl, today is going to be a beautiful day." 

I think a lot of times we pray so hard for God to show up in our day when all we simply have to do is look at the sunset or our childs smile and he's there. Some days he's not going to be there in the "big" way you want him to. With my life he shows up. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second, He shows up for me. I need that. I crave it. Whether I am aware of it or not he is always there. Always present. Always in a big way. 

Enjoy your day my sweet friends! 
xoxo tori.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

February 13 2014.

to a year ago today. I went to dinner with my family where my sister was talking about how she just found out she was pregnant a couple days before. My husband and I really wanted a baby but I trusted God would give me one when he felt I was ready and I guess he felt so because that night I found out we were having Jax. 
I remember staring at the test thinking to myself, I cannot wait to be a mommy! That night I went to sleep with fairy tales and puppies dancing in my head at the wonderful mother I was going to be {Cheeeeesy}. Some people ask me if knowing what I know now about Jaxon's condition would I have had him still and I always answer with a tearful response, "OF COURSE I WOULD!" I wouldn't have gone back and changed a thing. Obviously I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if my son wasn't sickly {HEY GOD! THAT ONES FOR YOU UP THERE BIG GUY} but thats not what makes Jaxon who he is. God had a special design for Jax + it looks a little different from what you or I may be designed to do but its special. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. And to me he is PERFECT! 
Some days I cry and wonder why this is all happening but then some days {like today} I think back to the moment I found out I was pregnant, not a care in the world about anything being wrong with my baby. I think back to that day and I know that God gave me the exact baby I was supposed to have. Its painful to think all along God knew that I was going to fall so in love with this baby boy and then we were going to have to watch him slowly get sicker + sicker. Some people may think that its awful that God would do this to us, but he isn't doing anything to us. He feels every hurt I feel + he weeps when I weep. His plan is perfect and I MUST trust that! I will trust that because the only thing  I am 100% certain of these days, is that through it all God is so good! 

I hope you all are having a wonderful valentines day and that you give all your valentines tons of smooches. I know I was loving up my boys with kisses today! 
XOXO tori.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015

IF: Gathering + Whats for Dinner!

Hey lovely friends! 
I know I have been kind of MIA the last couple of weeks but I promise outfit posts will be back in full effect next week, you can say a big thank you to my hubby for pushing me back into it. I have felt  like I would be being a "bad" mom if I was taking pictures + Jax wasn't with me. I realize I must sound crazy but after his diagnoses I am a helicopter, always hovering around my baby making sure he's ok. I have turned my easy going attitude into this worrier of a person that I don't like very much but at the same time I can't help it. This past weekend I attended an amazing live stream of the IF conference at a friends house with a bunch of the beauties I do bible study with. 
{You can read more about it if you don't know what I am talking about >here<}

It was eye opening + heart opening {if thats even a thing?}. I don't let myself be vulnerable very often and I definitely don't let many people see me cry but I did both of those things this weekend. I felt the Holy Spirit in that room the entire time. He let me know it was ok to let my emotions go and be in the moment. No holding back. No trying to be strong for my baby or my husband or my family. I could just breath a little easier in that room + I know it was the "Holy Spirit baby!" {if you know my friend Jenn Parker then you probably just let out a little chuckle} Safe to say I took a lot away from this weekend. Not just what I learned but the women of God I want to be on a daily basis. 

I have linked a couple books below that I have LOVED and truly helped me + continue to! 


Swiss Cheese Chicken

So I have made this chicken dish once before and I mean whats not to love, chicken and cheese and bread. {Sorry if you're on a diet I promise I'm not trying to torture you!} This is one of the meals where your husband will love you more for making, just kidding... kind of! ;) 

Heres what you will need:

4 Chicken Breasts
1 Can Cream of Chicken Soup
1/2 Box Stove top turkey stuffing
1/4 Cup Butter
1/4 Cup Milk
6 Slices Swiss Cheese

Click HERE for the instructions. 
PS this girls blog is awesome + no I don't know her and am NOT taking credit for this recipe! 

Hope you enjoy! 
xoxo, TORI