Friday, April 22, 2016

Being a mom is my jam.

Hey friends!

I haven't blogged in awhile because I guess sometimes I just don't have much to say. I use this blog just to share whats been going on and my feelings through it all.

 Life is hard. Its stressful and emotional EVERYDAY. People don't know what my day to day is like because unless you have a medically fragile child it doesn't make sense to you. I'm not complaining because I really never consider my life something to complain about. Yes, its really hard and there is a lot I have to do but at the same time I'm so incredibly blessed. I have the most amazing son and such a supportive husband. Everyday I get to wake up and see Jaxon's beautiful face and that is a miracle for us.

I think being a mom means more than love. For me it means beeping machines, strict feeding schedules, pain medications, oxygen, physical therapy everyday, water flushes, lots of crying (from Jax and from me) and doctor appointments that never leave me with any answers + lots more. I basically have a Ph D in Jaxon. Everyday I have to be on my A game and constantly studying every move he makes. 

Its a heart breaking thing watching a child suffer. Unless its your child you will never comprehend it. I thought I was prepared for it until Jax started to suffer and I realized you can never be prepared.  You can never be prepared for your child loosing their ability to move, sit up and laugh. Watching the smiles fade day by day has maybe been one of the most painful parts for me. And maybe thats why I shy away from the mundane conversations and friendships because sometimes when people are talking about their lives my brain is some place else + I just can't relate to them. I'm numb and over emotional all at the same time. 

When Jax first was diagnosed I had two options, I could be an okay mom and not get too attached so it might hurt less in the end OR I could love him, kiss him, let him change me and get overly attached so that one day it would literally rip out my heart and soul. I chose the ladder. I will always choose that. To me there wasn't another choice. So everyday I get up and I make the choice to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and make Jax happy. My heart breaks new again everyday but then one look at him and he magically pieces it back together. Its truly amazing and I never imagined loving someone as much as I love him. 

I will always do everything I can to make his life here on earth the BEST it can be. We don't know if we will have years, months or weeks left with Jaxon. I will never be ok with that. There will be NO redemption for me on this side of heaven but I know that God can restore the broken places. I know that nothing will ever make this ok until I am in the embrace of my Heavenly Father.  But for now being a mom is my jam and I embrace the fact that its the best part of everyday for me + probably always will be.  

No matter how hard some days are, how many hospital stays, doctor appointments, painful decisions and earth shattering conversations we have to have I will do it all for Jax. I will always choose loving him because thats the only thing that makes any sense, its the only part of my life that comes easy and makes me feel the most alive. 

Shirt: Momshirtco

xoxo, tori.