Wednesday, February 25, 2015

My Calling.

As I'm thinking about writing this my stomach hurts. As I'm thinking about how to type these words my eyes are filling with tears. As I'm writing this I will most likely not be able to make it through without crying. So readers this is a warning. If you aren't in the mood for a good cry or just applied your mascara, turn back now this isn't the post for you.

With that being said I have been pondering a lot about mother hood. About being a mom. About what my life looks like verse what it looked like a year ago or two years ago. When it was all about myself. When I had NO clue what I wanted to do with my life or what I was good at. Then I got pregnant with Jax and I was scared. Oh my word, was I scared. Not knowing how to raise a child {never done it before} I was terrified. Then I had him. My birth was totally not what I expected and when they finally placed him in my arms all my fears disappeared. 

Its incredibly weird because to me I assumed as soon as they gave him to me thats when I would really be scared. But I wasn't. I had peace in knowing, I can do this. I will mess up and do the wrong thing a lot probably, but I can most definitely do this mom thing. 

When we brought him home I finally realized what I was good at. What I was meant to do with my life. I was meant to be a mom. For some people this is absurd because I mean you need to have other hobbies, passions and a job, right? But to me this is my hobby, my passion and my job. Being a mom is what deep down to my toes I believe I was made for. 

But now, with Jaxon's diagnosis I ask myself what will I do when he isn't here? I have made him my entire lifes purpose and now he is going to be taken from me. Not when he is 18 going away to college, not when he is getting married to his wife and not when he has kids of his own but far far too soon before that. I pray a lot for God to give me a purpose. That when Jax is no longer in the physical world that I will have something to focus on that will not leave me crumpled up like a paper doll on the floor. 

I hear this faint voice inside me saying, "I am your purpose my sweet girl." And I know he is right. Jesus is my purpose. To live for him is my purpose. To bring people to his Kingdom is my purpose. To tell people about my God is my purpose. To write this blog is my purpose. But some days I will forget this. I am no perfect. I will forget. I'm writing this so that I can look back and not forget. God is our purpose. He has plans for me and for you, far beyond anything that we could ever dream. 

My purpose for living isn't changing because my son is sick and it won't change when he is healed either. I am 100% sure I was made to be a mom. I will be a mom to other babies in the future. But right now in this moment I know I was made to be Jax's mom. I thank God everyday not only for giving me my son but for trusting me to raise a child of God for the short time Jaxon will have. Thank you God for letting me be Jax's mom. Having him changed me forever. Jaxon made me a mom, forever. 

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