Saturday, February 14, 2015

February 13 2014.

to a year ago today. I went to dinner with my family where my sister was talking about how she just found out she was pregnant a couple days before. My husband and I really wanted a baby but I trusted God would give me one when he felt I was ready and I guess he felt so because that night I found out we were having Jax. 
I remember staring at the test thinking to myself, I cannot wait to be a mommy! That night I went to sleep with fairy tales and puppies dancing in my head at the wonderful mother I was going to be {Cheeeeesy}. Some people ask me if knowing what I know now about Jaxon's condition would I have had him still and I always answer with a tearful response, "OF COURSE I WOULD!" I wouldn't have gone back and changed a thing. Obviously I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if my son wasn't sickly {HEY GOD! THAT ONES FOR YOU UP THERE BIG GUY} but thats not what makes Jaxon who he is. God had a special design for Jax + it looks a little different from what you or I may be designed to do but its special. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. And to me he is PERFECT! 
Some days I cry and wonder why this is all happening but then some days {like today} I think back to the moment I found out I was pregnant, not a care in the world about anything being wrong with my baby. I think back to that day and I know that God gave me the exact baby I was supposed to have. Its painful to think all along God knew that I was going to fall so in love with this baby boy and then we were going to have to watch him slowly get sicker + sicker. Some people may think that its awful that God would do this to us, but he isn't doing anything to us. He feels every hurt I feel + he weeps when I weep. His plan is perfect and I MUST trust that! I will trust that because the only thing  I am 100% certain of these days, is that through it all God is so good! 

I hope you all are having a wonderful valentines day and that you give all your valentines tons of smooches. I know I was loving up my boys with kisses today! 
XOXO tori.

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