Tuesday, May 12, 2015


hello sweet friends!
[jax is so uninterested in this photo being taken]

thank you all who wished me a happy first mothers day, i had the best day with my boys and my hubby + jax got me some goodies :) i am so proud to be a mom and i share this day with so many amazing moms. i hope you all had an amazing day. that being said i know this day isn't all lolli pops and unicorns for some people. some moms have passed, some moms ache for their babies who are with jesus and some women hate this day because their hearts yearn to have a baby of their own.
 my heart is so sad for all those who hurt on that day. i had a cry fest on mothers day but only because i was feeling all sentimental. i was remembering the day i became a mom, the day i held jax in my arms and met him face to face. a day i will never forget, ever.  but i truly believe you become a mom when you experience becoming pregnant. 
that being said before jax, i had two miscarriages. one, i was almost 13 weeks, ready to share with everyone and then i felt a pain in my stomach and shortly after realizing this precious life was gone. the second, i was about 8 weeks along and found out one day totally unplanned, i was going in for a checkup with my doctor and she said "did you know you were pregnant?". i ran to my car after that appointment and called my husband squealing with delight! but then the next morning i woke up and knew it was happening again. 
each time i attended my obgyn to get an ultra sound to determine if the baby wasn't there anymore i cringed. every time the screen was empty and the nurse looked at me with those sad eyes, my heart broke. they told us to wait to try again for at least a month or two. we did as we were instructed and the next month we became pregnant with Jax. my entire pregnancy i was on edge. i was stressed and scared and worried at all times. not until i was about 35 weeks did i really start to "relax" and five days later my water broke. it became the best day of my life when i got to see my baby face to face and finally know what it was like to hold my baby in my arms and kiss his sweet cheeks.
i think a lot of women are scared to talk about their journey on having a baby. i was one of these women, until i realized how common this feeling is. my opinion is every "fetus" is a baby. so whether your baby passes away at 8 weeks or 30 weeks its sad. although i am aware it is a completely different grief, it is grief and everyone handles is differently. please don't tell someone who has a miscarriage these following things because i promise it hurts them more than you know. 

don't say
"heaven needed another angel" 
"you are young"
"you can always try again"
"choose joy" 
"it wasn't really a baby yet"
"at least you never held the baby, thats worse"
"you weren't far along at all, don't worry about it."

i am only saying this because i know how those words sting and make you feel like this precious life doesn't matter. it does matter. every life is a miracle and every baby counts. i just wanted to share my experience with you ladies so that maybe one of you struggling with this "lonely" feeling or feeling like your feelings don't matter, they do. if you have a friend or family member who has experienced a miscarriage or infant loss please do reach out, it will help. let them know you are thinking of them by acknowledging the loss. make them a dinner or bring them a coffee. and just listen to them. they want to feel like this is something that is important because everyone deals with these things differently. 
sometimes life is hard and its heart breaking and not fair. i know this too well. 

today we attended a hospital in New York only to leave with a heavy heart realizing that there is NOTHING we can do for our sweet baby jax. i cried all the way home because i told my husband how much i truly love him and realizing that i might not always get to be with him. just because i am facing this disease head on, that doesn't mean i have given up faith. i STILL believe in miracles and i pray every night my son is healed. for now all i can do is keep trying to make jaxons life the best it can be and to live in everyday. i may not wear bottom mascara anymore [because lets be honest, you never know when a good cry is going to strike] and i may ask you to wash, wash, wash and wash your hands again before you even breathe near my baby, but i'm trying. its confusing and hard and i'm learning something new everyday but this life i have been given is the best. my son is incredible and just melts my ice queen heart on a daily basis. i have a husband who loves me unconditionally and a family who is so supportive.  some things may really not be according to "my plan" but this is the life God chose for me. His plan is perfect and as long as i keep that tucked away into my heart and mind, everything else will be ok. 

xoxo-- tori.

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