Disney World was amazing. I don't think I had as much fun as my husband [hes a little kid at heart] but I definitely enjoyed myself. But there were moments that I had to catch myself because I wanted to cry. I think the whole trip was kind of emotional for me because it was our first trip with Jaxon and also maybe his only one? I know thats awful to think but its the reality of our lives. I can't spend time planning a future because we just don't know.
I am ok with not having control. I have left this up to God. He knows the exact amount of time Jax is supposed to be here and the exact moment when he will call him into his arms. I am most definitely a little on the "coo-coo" side lately. I am just trying to sort through my emotions the best I know how. I have never had to deal with something like this before and of course its all new to me. I have come to the realization that there is never going to be a right or wrong way to handle my emotions. I just have to let them come and not ever feel sorry for them.
There was a moment in the park where I was pushing Jax in his stroller and he was just looking back at me like he could sense exactly everything I wanted to say to him. He held me together in that second. If he wasn't there and I was just walking along I would have fallen to my knees and burst into tears. I don't exactly know why I felt this overwhelming sense of pain at that moment but I did. It was an emotional sting of the heart break I deal with daily.
Jax is very special, me and him have a bond unlike anything I have ever experienced. He knows when I am sad, mad, frustrated or happy. I know, its so weird because he is only 8 months old but its the truth. I believe God gave me Jax for many reasons, but one of them is definitely to teach me to be more in touch with my emotions. I have never felt greater love before he was born. I never knew such joy until he was born and I most definitely never experienced such heart break until he was born. I never had much confidence in myself until I had him.
I know I am so blessed with my life and that there is a plan in this that I have yet to see but its hard. Daily I struggle with being angry with God, doctors and people. God has definitely taught me patience and compassion in this situation and I am still learning how to use those two everyday. This situation is just very personal and sensitive. Anything someone says can harden my heart but I try my best to ask God to replace that hard spot with compassion and love.
I am in awe of my beautiful son who never lets anything take his joy. I learn from him everyday. He makes me want to be a better person but he also shows me that its ok to not have it together all the time. He is my light in a world full of darkness. He is the closest thing to heaven I think I will ever experience on this earth.
So I guess what I'm saying is Disney World wasn't the happiest place on earth for me. Being in the presence of Jesus, my husband and my son is where I am happiest. So whether that is at home in Rhode Island or at the grocery store, that is where my happiness lies here on earth. Knowing that this is just my temporary "happy" and one day, when I'm in heaven happy won't even begin to cover how I feel and all this heartbreak will be no more.
thanks for reading loves!
xoxo--tori
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