Friday, August 7, 2015


Dear Jaxon,

You will be 11 months old on the 14th of August. One month closer to your first birthday. The mommy inside me squeals with delight at watching you hit this milestone, to see you with loved ones in every direction and watching your eyes light up when you see all the balloons for you! But then this devil of a disease creeps up and reminds me that the doctors have told us your symptoms will start to be present after you turn a year. I hate that. I hate that this disease has already stolen so much from you and it hasn't even reared is ugly head in the worst way yet.

I try to focus on the positive. The here and the now because I refuse to let this disease steal our joy too. Everyday I cry happy tears because I just look at you and am still so in awe of you. You are heaven sent and beautiful in every way. You make me strive for greatness, not only in my self but for me to be great for others as well. You ignite this fire in my soul to want to help people like i've never had before. As I hold you in my arms I watch your eye lashes flutter and your chest rise and fall and I wonder how can someone so perfect be sick. doesn't it always seem to work like that? The best people are taken away WAY to soon.

I never want to forget a single detail of you so I study every perfect inch of you like I'm studying for some test. But I feel tested sweet boy. I feel like being your mom is this huge test I was never prepared for. I fail a lot and sometimes I'm not answering the questions correctly but whenever you look at me, I know I'm doing something right. You can't tell me you love me verbally yet, but with your eyes, you tell me multiple times  a day. I always refer to the bond that we have, but it really is like you're bonded to me, fused to my soul and I don't know how else to describe it. you are more than just a piece of me love, you are my whole heart + being.

I try to remember my life before you but honestly from the minute I found out I was pregnant with you everything was erased. I know its God completely. He intended from the very beginning for YOU to be my son. For you to change your dad and I. To change our hearts, our marriage and our relationship with Him. I pray everyday that he will heal you. That you will be here with me until I'm old and gray. That I will watch you have many birthdays and smash many cakes. I pray for a miracle, but then I realize I already have my miracle because God gave us you.

I love you more than all the stars in the sky my precious boy.
You are more special to your daddy and I then you will ever be able to understand but I pray you know in some way how much you mean to us!

Love you forever Jaxie,
-- Your mommy.

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