Thursday, November 3, 2016

Cozy Fall Thermal

Hiiii Friends!

I just wanted to quickly share my feelings for a min here. I love that my blog can be a post with pictures about fashion but the context can be about something totally different. I don't think my blog should have to fit into a mold that other blogs do and that makes me happy, I hope it makes you want to visit often as well!

I think a lot of my life right now is about taking care of me. Which is super strange because after taking care of my medically fragile son for two years and it being 99% about him, its hard to make the switch into caring for yourself again. Ive been trying to find a balance of pushing myself to fully live life and giving myself a ton of grace with doing nothing at all. I feel weird to tell you the truth. I feel as though I haven't quite found my "thing" yet. The thing I am most passionate about doing day to day. For so long that was being a mother and still is but is hard to do without a child to care for. 

To be honest, it makes you feel purposeless. You go from being someones everything to one day and very abruptly that little person not needing you at all anymore. For me its different then a mom who sends their child to daycare for the first time or off to college, my baby will never again be held or need anything from me again on this earth. Its a soul crushing realization to come to but the smallest more mature part of me realizes that with not caring for Jaxon anymore here on earth also means that he is healed, he is happy and he is at peace in heaven. 

From the moment your child is placed in your arms you make every choice to make them happy and to care for them so I know it is beyond natural for me to feel as though life without Jax here on earth doesn't make sense because for me it doesn't. It probably never will. I will forever search for answers to why my son? But I also know one day, I will know the answer and I will get to hold my son again. I will get to live all my days in full happiness with God and thats something that makes being here on earth without Jax seem a little less painful.

Grief is the strangest feeling. Especially grieving for a child. Its a mixture of gut wrenching pain and physical/mental exhaustion. My days stem from clinging to any bit of him. Whether its a song on the radio, the smell of his clothes or casually and desperately bringing him up in every conversation just to hear his name aloud. Its a feeling that I can never really explain and a way of life I hope no one ever has to walk along side me in. It makes the most mundane tasks feel impossible and the shortest distance seem so far away. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to have to close my eyes while grasping my sons pillow and placing it under my nose just to be able to smell him again because that is the only way I can physically feel close to him. 

Jaxon was the greatest friend I ever had, his soul was one that left lasting imprints around our home and always will. I can't walk into a room without feeling his presence. I will spend my days speaking of him and telling people about him because its the best way I know to share his love. Parents in grieving have an invisible cloak that they wear. Its a cloak made of the strongest of loves, the sweetest of smells and the most agonizing pain imaginable. It is one that is not seen to people who have not lost their child but is so obvious to all of us who have. I wear my cloak with pride because its one that shares of my story, my pain and more importantly represents the amazing life of my son. And even though I know most days its the heaviest garment to wear I know that because I wear it his life will continue to be one of great significance to not just me but others as well. 

"Know that where there is great pain, there is even greater love."
-scribbles + crumbs

xoxo, t. 

What I'm wearing:
THERMAL: Free People // UNDER SHIRT: Gunny Sack & Co. // JEANS: Paige Denim via Nordstrom Rack // BOOTIES: Target // BAG: Valentino // NECKLACE: Anthropologie & Tiffany + Co. // NAIL POLISH: OPI Miami Beet //

Post a Comment