Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Finding out who God really is.

I remember when we were first told about Jaxons condition, people were on their knees praying for us. Praying something might change, for healing of our son, that doctors were wrong but also for God to restore us. I never really understood that prayer until lately.

When I look back to who I was three years ago and who I am now it is two totally different people. The women I am now is someone who loves deeper, sees the good in situations and who follows God fiercely in any direction he pushes me. I am a work in progress but I cherish every day because I know what one moment can change. 

One day I was pushing medicines through a gtube, sticking to strict feeding schedules, quarantined inside my house and wondering if the last kiss I gave my son would be the actual LAST one here on earth. Every appointment, every piece of bad news and every day chipped away at the person I once was and molded me and shaped me into the person God wanted me to be. But it also chipped away at pieces of my self that I loved. The carefree, free spirited person I once was left me because I couldn't live life on a whim anymore. I couldn't live without fear of the future or of the next day for that matter.

But slowly, not right away but over time I noticed this feeling that I had stirring inside my heart. God was restoring my soul. He has restored pieces of me that I never thought I would get back. He has literally called me from the grave and restored my heart to love in a new way but in a way that I know is best for my life.

When you get the news that something is "wrong" with your child, whether it is something small or something life altering, it matters. It matters and that day will be etched into your heart forever. The day we found out about Jaxon's diagnosis, it was one of the hardest days of my life thus far. One thing I know for sure is that I am changed completely, who I was when Jax was diagnosed is a different person, I barely recognize that girl. Everything we have been through has forced me to have to look at the world in a different way but in some ways i am grateful for that. One thing I know for certain is that you will change through whatever trial you are facing, you will be different BUT that God will never change. Who He is before you find out news you think will break you is the same God he will be forever. 

Remember this when your clutching your belly filled with a beautiful soul that you discovered is not the baby you thought, whether thats gender or health wise. 
Remember this when you are clutching your child in a hospital bed with machines beeping and the smell of antiseptic filling your nose. When you aren't sure whether your child will see tomorrow or even the next hour.
Remember this when your life isn't panning out to be what you once dreamed. 
God is always constant, He is the same today, tomorrow and always. 
He will go before you and fight for you. 
God is bigger then your fears, He is bigger then your dreams and He is bigger then any diagnosis or health concern. He will carry you through it all.
And if one day the worst comes to you. If your child lays lifeless in your arms He IS still the SAME God he has always been and you might feel lifeless as well but God will restore every inch of you.
He will bring you back to life.
Sometimes when you lose pieces of yourself you find out who God really is.

xoxo, t.

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