Thursday, June 9, 2016


I remember being in the room. Jax being hooked up to monitors and I remember the faint beeping of the machines and how cold I felt. We had just been admitted to the childrens hospital and the room was dark. I was laying next to Jax in his hospital bed staring at his back and truly letting everything sink in that had just happened the last 2+ hours. I always say, I'm the person you want with you in a crisis but I'm not the person you want to be around a couple hours after the crisis has taken place. This couldn't be more true in that moment. 

That morning we went to a well check up for Jax + mins later our pediatrician was telling us to go straight to the ER. Jaxon's "cold" had quickly turned into RSV ( Respiratory syncytial virus ) and he needed to be put on oxygen immediately. The min we got there they rushed us into the triage room and like a gust of wind things happened fast. SO many people were rushing in and out of the room, touching my son, asking Mark and I questions upon questions and the whole time I didn't flinch. I answered all the questions, I held Jax's hand, rubbed his back and gave him kisses on kisses. Then a doctor looked right into my eyes and asked me what our plan was if Jax needed to be resuscitated. I felt like this doctor just punched me in the face and then asked me what I wanted in my coffee. I stopped everything, looked right at Mark and as if someone flipped a light switch we both began to sob. 

I never in a million years imagined being asked what we would want to do if his heart stopped beating, if his life was in danger, what did we want. Did we want a doctor preforming CPR and pounding on his chest or did we want to hold him and watch his life leave him. Did we want to have him intubated or did we want to just let this virus take its course and hope for the best. All these questions were ones I never want anyone to ask you. I never wanted to be asked them either. Its one thing to know that your child has an incurable disease but at least then you have hope. Hope for a miracle, a cure and for it to all be wrong. But its an entirely different thing when someone tells you this reality might actually happen and not in a couple months or years but RIGHT now. It all seemed so sudden, my heart was not prepared. My mind, maybe, but my heart, no. 

 Hours later, his stats were improving and once we were admitted to the ICU things we looking stable and thats when my defense was let down, alone in that room with my son laying there, his breathing labored, I fell apart. I held my sons body and wept. It was a moment I dread, being weak, vulnerable and completely aware of everything I was feeling. I didn't care who walked in or saw me or judged me. I needed to feel every ounce of what this perfect boys life means to me and to think that I might not get another day broke me. Broke me in a way I will never forget. I will always remember the way my tears stained Jaxons blanket he had draped over him and the way he squeezed my finger as if to assure me everything was going to be ok. And it was. A week later he was on the mend even though doctors told us that most likely wouldn't be the case. That it would get worse and cause havoc on his already fragile and tired body. Some days I wonder where God is. Where his goodness lies and why sometimes its not with my family, more importantly my son. On that cold night in February while lying next to my very ill son in his hospital bed I looked out into the darkness and asked God where He was. If he loved me and my son how could this be happening. Im scared some times to be honest and real with my feelings because its so much easier to smile. Getting REAL really hurts. Getting real isn't easy, it isn't fun and you definitely don't get real without getting broken first. 

I can tell you right now, I have NO idea where this perfect plan is that God has for my family and I. I'm not God. But I know its true. I know HE IS GOOD. He is there, always. Things in this life are hard, heart breaking and all around unfair but its not because of God. He wants the best for my family and I. I choose to believe that no matter what season I am in or what fire comes to us that we have a God that can do anything. He healed my son from a virus that was supposed to take him from us because medicine says his body wouldn't be strong enough to fight it off. God constantly uses Jaxon's life to remind me of his goodness. To remind me to be real and vulnerable. To remind me that even when it hurts, its more than worth it. The goodness of God isn't measured by how broken my heart is but by how his light shines through those broken places + fills them, even on the coldest of nights.

xoxo, tori.

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