Friday, June 10, 2016


Hey friends!
I know a lot of you have probably been wondering where we are with the whole IVF journey. I love how open and honest you all were with me. I was shocked at how many of you are going through similar situations to us and also infertility problems. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I hope you all know I will pray for you all by name and also as a whole for those of you who I don't  know. So thank you all, from the bottom of my heart for letting me share our journey with you!

Diving right in.... 
So in April we went in for our first frozen transfer. We transferred one embryo. I took Estrogen for almost two weeks and then went in for an ultra sound to determine the thickness of my uterus. The lining wasn't quite thick enough so they upped my doses and then I went in again a couple days later for another ultrasound. Then they determined I was all ready and I could start my progesterone shots. Let me tell you, NOT fun. They are huge needles with thick oil like medication so its painful but I just tell myself its going to be worth it. I was on the progesterone shots for like six days and then I went in for the transfer. They unthawed the first embryo and it unfortunately didn't make it so they unthawed a second one and then used that one for the transfer. 

The whole 10 days I had to wait for the BETA test (pregnancy test) I was so anxious. I was constantly worried and so overwhelmed. I have diabetes + I am a stress eater so those two don't really mix well. I had high sugars all week and couldn't seem to get them under control. I wasn't trusting God and giving him my fears. I was just internalizing everything. My mind wasn't shutting off and I was barely sleeping at night. I had no sense of peace the whole 10 days. I guess it just wasn't meant to be because unfortunately the embryo didn't attach and at the 10 day mark we were not pregnant. That phone call was so awful for me. As soon as I hung up with the nurse I just started crying. All Mark and I want right now is to expand our family without worry. We want more than anything to give Jaxon a brother or a sister. Its so hard when your heart is aching and it seems like the ache will never go away. 

My husband is amazing. Mark is a breath of fresh air for me. I was drowning and as soon as I heard his voice on the other end of the phone I was able to come up for air. He is not just my husband, he is my best friend. He is the person I run to with good news and bad. He is the person who knows my heart and my mind more than anyone else. He has seen me at my worst and still thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the world. I am so lucky that God gave him to me forever. Every thing we go through makes us that much stronger and I am so grateful for that. 

I had to learn after that negative pregnancy test God wanted me to come to him. With all the whys, the what ifs and the anger I had inside me. He wanted me to fall into His arms and to bare my heart aches to Him. I did just that. I know that the timing will be right for us eventually. I know this yearning we have to grow our family will be fulfilled one day. I know the promises God has made me but I have to patient. Its not in my timing, its in His. His perfect timing. I know it may seem so hard to see the silver lining in your cloud but I promise that silver lining is just up ahead. I don't know if it will be this year, next year or maybe in 5 years. We will keep trying and we will keep praying for our family. It makes you feel so defeated when they tell you all the money you spent, all the time and all the pain didn't work. But to me its going to make everything that much more worth it. I know that one day when we get the phone call telling us we are pregnant I definitely will still worry, I will definitely still be anxious until I am holding that baby earth side, until they tell me that my baby is healthy and there is no niemann pick in sight. Its almost like PTSD when you have a miscarriage, a child diagnosed with a terminal disease or fertility problems. You will never stop the worry but I will go to my Heavenly Father with open hands asking him to let me pour it all on to Him and he will gladly take it. He will take yours to. So pour away my friends, His cup will never run over for you.

And now we wait. We will try again before this year is over and hopefully we will have a different outcome. I thank you all again for letting me share our story. If you want to chat, have questions or just want to make a new friend feel free to email me ! I look forward to hearing for you :) 

xoxo, tori. 

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