Saturday, January 31, 2015

Crying Over a Fridge

So sleep is not my thing lately. I've tried unisom and reading and tea. But I just can't seem to shut my mind off. I think about all the things Jax won't get to do. Like ride a bike or skip or learn to tie his shoe. I wonder if he will know how much I deeply love him. Or if he knows how much his daddy wants to teach him how to play basketball. I get angry that all those things will be taken from him. But then I just think. All the best things that he can do on earth are nothing compared to the joy he will feel in heaven. He will get to jump and skip and ride a bike but he will get to do all these things with God holding his hand, or that's how I imagine it anyways. I lay here in my bed while everyone is sleeping and I wonder what life will look like in a year from now. Will I still have my sweet boy or will I be grieving him. I try not to let my mind go to these places but once they do God always puts a positive spin to even my darkest thought.  

And then I cried over a fridge and so thats new...

While shopping for appliances for our new house the other day the sales man was showing us a fridge. Now this was a fancy fridge with all these doors and even a place for kids stuff. As I'm pushing Jax in the stroller and smiling down at him I hear the sales man say, "and here is where you can put his school lunches or juices boxes". It took the power of the Holy Spirit to contain my emotions at the moment but the minute the three of us got in the car I looked at my husband and started to sob. Would I ever get to put Jaxons juice boxes into that fridge? Why did what he say make me so overwhelmingly upset? Because the reality of the situation is that I don't know what will trigger my sadness or cause me pain but I do know that Jesus is right there to wipe my tears. As much sorrow as I felt since all this has happened I have also felt this uncontrollable sense of joy for my son and everything he does. How lucky am I that MY son can change even one persons heart in the midst of this tragedy! My son will only ever know love, not just the love he has received but also the love he has given. 

This is a quote from a book I am reading right now called " I will Carry You" By Angie Smith and if you have ever lost a child or even if you haven't its a must read. It is heart breaking but at the same time God uses this amazing women's story as a testimony to so many other Mothers out there. I wish I could give this sister a huge hug because she has changed my view on so many things! 

"I have come to terms (as much as I can) with the fact that in this life, on this Earth, I am going to hunger. The hunger will not be satisfied. It cannot be. And when the wind blows through my soul and tempts me to despair over the lot I have been given, I cling to the truth that the Lord has something better for me. It won’t always be like this. You will know Him fully one day, and all the hurts that consume you in this moment will vanish and be forgotten. I know it sounds crazy. I guess it’s crazy to think that a God could love us so much that He would want to create a place to be with Him eternally, where we can revel in His perfection and rest in true peace." Angie smith 

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