The other day I was listening to one of my new favorite Christmas songs "seasons" by hillsong. There is a line in the song that says, "You could have saved us in a second instead you sent a child"
Wow! So powerful to me. It made me feel like a couple of things were put into perspective for me. I've been having a rough week where I'm more then ever imaging what life would be like if Jaxon was here in my arms. I know things would have been harder and more challenging for us as a family with a medically fragile child but I wouldn't care. I constantly imagine different scenarios in which Landree would cuddle with him or kiss him or put her toys all around him, handing him one at a time.
Grief around the holidays is so painful for a lot of people. I don't want to sit here and say that loosing a child is more painful then a mother passing or a sibling or a grandparent. Its all hard, its all painful and it just plain SUCKS! You want to wrap those people in your arms and smother them with hugs and kisses and never let go.
But when I was listening to this song, I started to think about God as a father not just as our Heavenly Father but a Parent to a son. Just like me. He sent HIS son to die for me, for us and for MY son. Without God loosing his son, my son would not be healed now and a promise of eternity with him would not be possible. God could have saved us in any other way but he sent a child, He used an infant to soften peoples hearts. It brings tears to my eyes because God used a baby to soften my heart with Jaxon as well and now that I understand the Christmas story on a deeper level I am soften once again by a baby named Jesus, in a manager.
Now please don't let me get you confused I am in no way comparing my son to Jesus. I am just simply saying that God uses such small, innocent and perfect babies to make points all throughout the Bible. He did it with Moses and God did it again when he blessed Sarah and Abraham with a baby long after they should have been able to conceive, and now God does it with a women named Mary, a virgin none the less.
Children allow us to see things differently, challenge us to love in a new way and they create peace in our chaos. I am so grateful that God entrusted me with Jaxon and Landree. The minute I saw them for the first time my heart was melted and through being their mother I have experienced a relationship with God like never before. It helps me to better understand the magnitude of Mary's love for her son and for her willingness to obey God even when the future was so uncertain for her. I want to be more like Mary as a mother, I want to hear Gods voice and respond with obedience, without question.
I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that God sends little tiny people to do amazing things for His kingdom. He forms these fragile, amazing and beautiful little humans inside our wombs to remind us that He does the impossible. He delivered a savior to our world and changed humanity for the better. I am beyond words grateful for a God that big and especially being reminded of that for this Christmas weekend.
God gave me two beautiful children. He gave me two chances to have a more compassionate heart and more loving posture towards not only my family but everyone around me.
Merry Christmas sweet friends + Happy Birthday Jesus.
xoxo, t.
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